Disconnected

I have this weird sense of disconnectedness I sometimes get.. It all started back home in Lede & hasn't left me since. I don't know how I ended up with it although I do have a weird suspicion. Nothing more than a suspicion tough.. I doubt it has anything to do with it really.

I did have some interesting thoughts about life on the way back to Gent..

I once again realised that you have to take advantage of the position in life you re in. And be happy with what you ve got. Because Id hate to realise that I'm old and have only ever wanted things of the future without enjoying the things of Now

Furthermore I realised that I can get used to the horeca way of life so to speak. I also realised that Viona is the only thing that keeps me on this side of the equation, that keeps me out of decadence. I KNOW I d step right into it with disastrous consequences, I ve done it once before :)
I also finally realise what my dad probably meant when he warned me against horeca work. He told me it takes more than it gives, he warned me to stay out of it, he warned me he saw other men fall into it and never get out again. And I have to admit.. I now understand what he meant! It d be SO easy to give it all up and step into that life. I d have no more worries, a decent income and .. work. Id probably even have fun .. for a while.
Someone told me yesterday that I'm the right kind of person for this. I told her everyone could be that person, the only thing you need is a drive.. I don't know about my statement but she was probably right. And I have to guard myself against choosing the easy way out.. The easy path.
I now understand what my dad spoke of.. and I'm terrified :) but also confident, so no worries

My brother wants to drive my car.. If I let him do that he ll take it up as his (the kid doesn't know of sharing.. or respect for that matter) This ll hurt.. It ll feel as bad as it felt last time lost my car. Only to get this one in return.. Omg, the whole car thing is coming back to me :( The sadness, the feeling I had when I lost it and realised that I wouldn't have a proud car anymore, but just a car. Just some wheelz that d get me anywhere modest.
Even my fathers death has relevance here.. Apparently I was supposed to get his Mecredes A class some months after he died if all had gone according to plan..
if if if
I shouldn't think about that shit anymore!
But the memory of how broken I was when I got this car still lingers under the surface :s
And I 'll probably relive part of it when I realise that for the first time in 4 years I Really wont have a car anymore. I could take having one standing in a garage somewhere, not being able to drive it but still having one.. NOT having a car on the other hand.. will probably severely hurt me.

I'm really still dropping to an all time low, arnt I. And I wonder is it worth it.. But then I realise.. Is WHAT worth it. Living in gent? If I wouldn't live in gent the situation would be worse! This whole situation, feeling like a downward spiral bc I had to spend all my money to pay my death taxes, is nothing more that a result of my father dieing.
But this is probably the worse it ll get. The end of the tunnel is ahead and my upward curve will start in a few days probably! When I get my next paycheck :D Bc that's the one that ll be TOTALLY mine (to spend in the next months rent, but .. shh ;))

melancholy and the infinite sadness

I just put on Most Wanted Rock 2.. A GREAT CD, Really! Always soothes my mood :D Glycerine


Mountain boarding was fun!

And I today "gave" my blog address to the first person in the Hut.. more a friend that a colleague.. one of the few :) Although more that I d have expected! Any who.. Another crumb of privacy on the web, privacy in the vast amount of information that goes to pieces.. Its always weird when it happens, but I realised this 4 yrs ago when I started this weird pastime, so no surprises there :)

Ive come to appreciate some ppl in the hut. Some of them have become friends even. Its quite unlike me to group my acquaintances like that (friend, best friend, .....) but felt the change some time ago and was so surprised that I felt able to label it (able, label.. get it - omg I'm getting tired ;) viva spell checkers! & a second later I post this shit without checking it - rolleyes!)


Any who!
Enough bullshit, I ve got better things to do that chat idlely to no one bc this one is again waay to long for anyone to care enough about to read.

I miss my mini :(
But I just got The Sweetest msg from her :)

& a Happy BDay to Shelli :) 31.. and she doesn't look a day over 23 :) kiss kiss kiss!