Pain

this weekend was REALLY cool
It ruled, it was GREAT, Beyond doubt!
I had a HELL of a time :D

But there was a LOT of pain. Pain in all varieties :D hehe
First there was the physical pain.. My tailbone (ofcourse), my left wrist (DAMN painfull), my left knee (relatively ok) and my left ankle (Too painfull for words! Could barely walk at some times :/)
And that all meant nothing compared to my newly aquired Mental pain! A good old Heartache. This really was an experience I will not soon forget! Simply Discusting, Traumatising!
Something like a year ago, I met this enchanting girl at kwartee! She was totally my type, blonde hair and a fresh nape piercing! She was great! But she already had a boyfriend and I didnt want to cause her trouble or anything, so I just talked some and enjoyed her presence! Not telling her how I felt. That night she says she overheard a conversation between me & Dirkie about who was Nicest, her or her friend (Me nor Dirkie could remember that conversation, but it might have happened) from wich she got that we merely considered her meat & were Macho types.. The months after I frequently tought of her. Could be I was just walking down any street & she flashed to my mind. I Normally Dont Have This!! Took me months to stop thinking about her! And even nog I sometimes think of her & get that smile!
One thing I am SURE of is that I Am Not a macho kinda type o guy! I asked several ppl today & they all laughed and said that indeed I am NOT a macho guy!!!!! My self image is indeed correct, or so it seems!
I didnt know she was discusted by me, so I just went to her & started conversation.. (her lovely nape has grown infected & was taken out... wich has given her a small scar in the back. A beautyful scar! :/ wierd to say, but its plain Nice and her BF is history since December) All seemed OK, untill she tells me about that. She s worth more that a little effort, so I started explaining & asked her for a second chance, because that just is Not who I am.. I was painfully honest during the whole conversation, figuring that honesty still is the greatest force of all, and figuring she is worth it! Pitty she didnt really recognise the truth when .. but all was going quite ok. I told her Id be more that happy if I could give her my nr & then she could let me know if she wanted to go & have a drink. Its a desperate measure, but since I was macho in her eyes, I figured that anything Id try that night would be nothing more that bothersome, so ..
and at THAT point Karel came to say hi, with the very powerfull sentence "Hey Gert, Is THAT the girl you said you wanted to hit on tonight". I was trying to save a Sinking Ship, was doing my best to at least keep it floating untill I had a chance.. and then Karel came with a Nuke, totally Destroying my beautyfull boat! The crushing sound sounded as sweet to me as everything else she said, hurting even more! "You were convincing me, but NOW you Totally blew it!"
Pain :/
I even tried explaining, more painfull honesty.. but .. :(
Karel felt guilty & talked to her, but it didnt help. Altough she showed some honest regret when she declined my dance proposal :(
I saw her today but I didnt have the heart of going to see her & try to hurt myself some more.. I just couldn! Maybe I ll see her in Gent someday And maybe I'll have the masochistic tought of talking to her again (i'm sure I will) but I fear that in her mind, i'll be that discusting macho till the end of our days!
This hurts :( not being given a chance.. or that is at least how I feel it! If only Karel hadnt..

On the other hand.. She didnt smoke a year ago and seems to do now.. But I like her that much that I want to talk about that before believing it, not that it matters since .. :(
At some point today I found I have aged 5 mental years over this.. Wierd thing to think in retrospect, but .. I did think it then..

Now of course you re wondering "Did you say you were going to hit on her"
No I Didnt! The first weekend, where I met Dreamgirl (whoms story is long -3 weeks- over, I might post some explanation later..) I had some joke with Andy about me & hitting on girls.. So he tought I should hit on someone that night & ....... I already knew I wanted to talk to her but did my best to make sure they wouldnt know anything of it because I didnt want any atention & shit.. But, I got it nonetheless & look where it got me! FUCKIN GREAT
Another UNFORGETTABLE experience :(

Anywho, time to do different stuff
maybe read some, watch a movie, draw some, .. I dont know - Whatever